I wondered today whether the idea of "falling in love" had any tangible validity for me or if it was just another romantic whimsy designed to excite emotions and inspire wedding planning. My answer came in the difference of how I imagined the concept.
First I thought of "falling in love" as actually more like flying. I was so "in love" that I seemed to float off the ground. I guess you could say it was like falling because I was in the air and uncontrolled, but the scene in my head could more properly be labeled "carried away" in love. Nevertheless I was swept off my feet and I felt amazing.
But a problem arose. What if it doesn't last? My magic carpet would fly away and I'd go tumbling back the earth right where I was before. The dream would be over. I mean, is it even possible to hover over reality forever? Is this picture destined to fail?
I turned to my second image. In this one I was on the edge of a cliff and I literally fell. I flew through the air, uncontrolled and scared, with a mighty rush of adrenaline. I survived the landing, as I assume I would in love, and found myself at the bottom, looking up and then around at my new land. When I thought of going back to the top, back to the ways things were before I fell, it didn't seem possible. I probably could have made it back with the proper route and enough time, but I'm not sure I really wanted to. This picture had a way of permanently changing me. Instead of building me and my object up bigger than we really were, I fell down to the depths, clinging to my object.
When I think about people I love, I think there are some I have "fallen" for. There was a point with some friends and family when I crossed over, when I jumped with them. Where from that moment on I unconsciously became dedicated to a deep love for them. I was able to embrace their "faults" instead of judging. It came natural to show them I cared instead of a chore. Even when I saw them wrong me, in the next second I forgot and reflected a smile off their shining, white robe.
However, with all these people I have fallen in love with I needed lots of time and their humble vulnerability. To "fall" with them I had to both be willing to go off the cliff and they had to be willing to jump. I am reminded of how I have fallen with my parents.
I remember a long car ride through the night with my mother. As we talked, she shared her frustrations and sadness of not having a primary relationship. I'm sure I gave her some practical advice on needing to go out more or something, but I didn't understand how she had invited me to the bottom of her cliff and forever changed our relationship.
I remember my first World Horseshoe Tournament. I was in the championship class playing the best I ever had. I tried to keep my composure on the courts in front of the crowd, but my dad went crazy in the stands, cheering for my every shot. I smiled as he celebrated for me when I couldn't. And then in my last year when I lost the championship game and tried to keep my composure on the court, I watched as he took on my pain and "fell" with me. I was never alone.
I have never felt alone. No matter how far down I've fallen I know my God, in Jesus, has been falling with me. He "fell in love" with me before I was even born and has never hesitated to take my pain on himself. I'll admit I'm not always ready to give up my hurt, but he is always ready to meet me at the bottom, to change me and resurrect my life.
Recently I can even say that I have "fallen" for Him too. It's taken much time and for me to understand the depth of his vulnerability on the cross, but I have jumped and am not interested in going back. I am so thankful He has invited me into the mystery of true love and how the two of us are going to become one.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Liberated to Love
You ask me what I'm looking for in a girl, but I've given up list-making. Every time I meet a girl the list changes. I think, how could I have missed this and why did I care so much about that.
So I will tell you what I find attractive. I close my eyes and set the scene. I'm at the bar and from across the room I see her. Her light eyes reflect off her fair skin. I stare at her shy smile. She walks over and catches me off guard with an observation that I don't think anyone notices, but I secretly want them to. "I like your shirt," she says, "causal without the collar, but classy with the buttons."
"Thank you. I like your smile. My name is Keith."
I'm swooning now, but I won't fall in love for months, for beauty that is trapped is but slavery and I am no master.
Over time I find out that she has been liberated to love, not just me but her God and her people too.
She studies me. She anticipates my fears and my desires. She willingly rewrites her love story to include me; rather she casts me as the main character. This makes me nervous so she is gentle and patient. She is understanding when I don't understand her.
She is liberated from law. Not just free, where she might find herself confused and wandering, but overjoyed with passion and direction. She prays without ceasing. She listens when God speaks by her heartbeat. As I watch her eyes and ears grow, her hands and feet grow too. When she stumbles and falls she always gets back up, but never the same as before.
She doesn't know a stranger, for to find one she would have had to lose herself first. She is diligent to know how others perceive her, not for identity but course correction. "I feel like myself when I am around you," her friends write in her birthday card, "Thank you for letting me be me."
I sit with her at dusk on a porch and enjoy my favorite time of day. I can finally take a breath and reflect on the gift I awoke with.
So I will tell you what I find attractive. I close my eyes and set the scene. I'm at the bar and from across the room I see her. Her light eyes reflect off her fair skin. I stare at her shy smile. She walks over and catches me off guard with an observation that I don't think anyone notices, but I secretly want them to. "I like your shirt," she says, "causal without the collar, but classy with the buttons."
"Thank you. I like your smile. My name is Keith."
I'm swooning now, but I won't fall in love for months, for beauty that is trapped is but slavery and I am no master.
Over time I find out that she has been liberated to love, not just me but her God and her people too.
She studies me. She anticipates my fears and my desires. She willingly rewrites her love story to include me; rather she casts me as the main character. This makes me nervous so she is gentle and patient. She is understanding when I don't understand her.
She is liberated from law. Not just free, where she might find herself confused and wandering, but overjoyed with passion and direction. She prays without ceasing. She listens when God speaks by her heartbeat. As I watch her eyes and ears grow, her hands and feet grow too. When she stumbles and falls she always gets back up, but never the same as before.
She doesn't know a stranger, for to find one she would have had to lose herself first. She is diligent to know how others perceive her, not for identity but course correction. "I feel like myself when I am around you," her friends write in her birthday card, "Thank you for letting me be me."
I sit with her at dusk on a porch and enjoy my favorite time of day. I can finally take a breath and reflect on the gift I awoke with.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
It is to such as these
I sit underneath the shade of an oak tree in Mount Hope cemetery. Its shadow uniformly protects me as I lean against the ridges of its trunk. I look past my bent knees and see grave markers. In front of me lies Terrill Scott. Dried grass obscures his middle name, but I’m too nervous to sweep it away. I hear a woman on her cell phone, frantically walking up and down the grass rows behind me searching for someone. She says this is weird because she’s been here so many times. Her young son follows behind with a playful hop.
I am thankful for grave markers. They only reveal a name, birthday, deathday and sometimes a hopeful phrase or Scripture, but they are important. They give honor to a life. Terrill’s says “In Loving Memory Of...” The dead should be properly buried and properly remembered, not as if they were still living, but a ceremony worthy of the gift of their life.
I catch a glimpse of the boy again. He is tromping on headstone and grave-site alike. Even his mother steps heavy on the grass above the dead bodies. It doesn’t seem right to be stepping on everyone’s dead body, but it doesn’t seem that wrong either. If anything seems wrong it would be to step above someone and not know they are underneath. I am thankful for grave markers.
“To another he said, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” But Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.””
Looking down again, next to Terrill lie the Cottner’s, sorta. Below their shared last name I read Ira E. (1889 – 1975). Next to her Mayme L. (1901 - ). She isn’t dead yet? That would make her 109 years old. Or maybe Mayme has died, but she just hasn’t arrived here yet while her grave waits. Waits for her to die, or to be buried, or for the money to move her body next to Ira. I stare down past the grass at the blank after the hyphen. I realize I have a grave waiting somewhere too. It seems distant, but real. I will die someday.
But I’m not scared. I have faith in the coming kingdom of God. I have faith that my final resting place will be a resurrection from the dead. I know that I sit on only bodies, lifeless bodies. God is the one who grants life, and life eternal. A life of
peace, not strife. Calm, not worry.
My thoughts are interrupted by the woman finally coming up to me. She asks if I have been here long? Have I seen two other men standing by a particular spot? I regrettably tell her I got here right before she did and she thanks me anyways. As she walks away her boy calls to me. He stammers through a child-like whisper, “The-flowers-are-so-pretty-and-smell-nice-in-the-water.” I look over and see a small bouquet of yellow and blue resting in a vile. He squats his body to drop his head on top of them, smiling at me as he breathes deep.
“Jesus called for them and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.”
I am thankful for grave markers. They only reveal a name, birthday, deathday and sometimes a hopeful phrase or Scripture, but they are important. They give honor to a life. Terrill’s says “In Loving Memory Of...” The dead should be properly buried and properly remembered, not as if they were still living, but a ceremony worthy of the gift of their life.
I catch a glimpse of the boy again. He is tromping on headstone and grave-site alike. Even his mother steps heavy on the grass above the dead bodies. It doesn’t seem right to be stepping on everyone’s dead body, but it doesn’t seem that wrong either. If anything seems wrong it would be to step above someone and not know they are underneath. I am thankful for grave markers.
“To another he said, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” But Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.””
Looking down again, next to Terrill lie the Cottner’s, sorta. Below their shared last name I read Ira E. (1889 – 1975). Next to her Mayme L. (1901 - ). She isn’t dead yet? That would make her 109 years old. Or maybe Mayme has died, but she just hasn’t arrived here yet while her grave waits. Waits for her to die, or to be buried, or for the money to move her body next to Ira. I stare down past the grass at the blank after the hyphen. I realize I have a grave waiting somewhere too. It seems distant, but real. I will die someday.
But I’m not scared. I have faith in the coming kingdom of God. I have faith that my final resting place will be a resurrection from the dead. I know that I sit on only bodies, lifeless bodies. God is the one who grants life, and life eternal. A life of
peace, not strife. Calm, not worry.
My thoughts are interrupted by the woman finally coming up to me. She asks if I have been here long? Have I seen two other men standing by a particular spot? I regrettably tell her I got here right before she did and she thanks me anyways. As she walks away her boy calls to me. He stammers through a child-like whisper, “The-flowers-are-so-pretty-and-smell-nice-in-the-water.” I look over and see a small bouquet of yellow and blue resting in a vile. He squats his body to drop his head on top of them, smiling at me as he breathes deep.
“Jesus called for them and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.”
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Marriage as Vocation
I grew up thinking that I would be married someday. In fact, with my parents' divorce, I was especially keen on the idea of having a family of my own. This desire drove most of my life through high school and into college. I was going to be married by 21. There wasn't any time to waste.
Then my dad moved away, and I began searching out Christianity for myself. I started to truly understand what I meant when I said that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. My favorite worship songs were about surrender. I surrendered much at the foot of the cross initially, but it took awhile to surrender my dreams of marriage and a family.
In my initial treks through the New Testament, I know I must have read Paul's admonition to be single as he is single. And I'm sure I glanced over Jesus' definitions of family being multiplied in the Spirit, not in the flesh anymore. I took evangelism seriously when I was told to commit my life to sharing the gospel, but I still confused the role of marriage in all this.
I held fast to my pre-Christian ideas that marriage is part of the life plan for everyone who is able. When I would hear about someone who was 30 or 40 years old and still had not been married, I wondered where they went wrong. And as the girls I was interested in started dating other guys, I knew my chances of landing a good one were getting slimmer everyday.
So I started reading some books to prepare myself for marriage in my time of singleness. They all said the same thing: Marriage has been a Godly institution from the very beginning, marriage is for Christians and we need to rescue its perversion from the world, Christian dating should look like courting since that's how the Old Testament Jews did it, and everything we do before we get married is in preparation for marriage so I better be real careful so I don't screw up me or someone else.
Somewhere in these books missed 1 Corinthians 7. Paul says if you were not married when you became a Christian stay that way, both males and females. And if you are married to a non-believer when you became a believer, stay married, don't seek a divorce. It would appear that Paul would disagree with all the women's gender roles I was taught in that a woman's highest calling is to be a wife and mother. And Paul doesn't seem to think any less of marriage if it's between a Christian and a non-Christian. In fact, he seems to encourage pro-creation and the passionate sex that comes in marriage to a non-believer. This strikes me as even more interesting when I think about two becoming one flesh and how Christians should treat non-Christians. What I learned from Paul is that marriage seems to be a human thing, but not necessarily a Christian thing. Now being human, Christians can get married, and Paul says this is not a sin, but should we?
And this is where I surrendered my dreams of marriage to Jesus. If I truly wished to deny myself and clothe myself if Christ, then I had to surrender every idea of what I think life is all about and submit to the leading of the Spirit. I didn't want to do this. My life felt empty and scary without the pursuit of a wife. But only in this space of mind did I actually learn anything about marriage.
What I learned is that marriage is a gift. And singleness is a gift. And as a gift, marriage is not something so much to seek for, but to receive. Think of how silly it would be if you spent all year preparing, dreaming and waiting for a big gift on your birthday. You would have probably missed out on all the other moments during the year, and imagine the shock and anger if you didn't receive the gift. Gifts are not meant to plan for. They are by nature unexpected.
But the problem with Christians is not so much that they expect to get married, but the logic that precedes. They say I want to get married and I want kids and a family. Then they send out to accomplish what they want and justify it because it's a good thing. And marriage is a good thing. But that attitude behind this is a righteous one. This attitude says this is what I want, so Lord help me. What it should say is Lord, not my will, but yours be done.
Or they say God's calling for men and women is to be husbands and wives. And in this they have misunderstood the Scriptures and evangelism. They see almost all the characters in the Bible as married and forget that this is not unique to the Bible, but to all of humanity. And if anything the Bible teaches us to be critical of fallen humanity, to be reshaped by the priorities of Christ, not the self or the world.
Now, I don't think Christians shouldn't get married. However, I do think that Christians are called to reflect on what is marriage. To pray about scriptures that tell us to leave our families behind to follow Jesus. That there won't be marriage in the kingdom of heaven, and in some ways the kingdom of heaven already arrived with Jesus. To take Paul seriously when he says he wants to spare us from the many troubles of marriage in this life.
And finally I want to conclude with what I see as the heart of the issue, in which Paul describes in verse 35 of 1 Corinthians 7...
"I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."
Then my dad moved away, and I began searching out Christianity for myself. I started to truly understand what I meant when I said that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. My favorite worship songs were about surrender. I surrendered much at the foot of the cross initially, but it took awhile to surrender my dreams of marriage and a family.
In my initial treks through the New Testament, I know I must have read Paul's admonition to be single as he is single. And I'm sure I glanced over Jesus' definitions of family being multiplied in the Spirit, not in the flesh anymore. I took evangelism seriously when I was told to commit my life to sharing the gospel, but I still confused the role of marriage in all this.
I held fast to my pre-Christian ideas that marriage is part of the life plan for everyone who is able. When I would hear about someone who was 30 or 40 years old and still had not been married, I wondered where they went wrong. And as the girls I was interested in started dating other guys, I knew my chances of landing a good one were getting slimmer everyday.
So I started reading some books to prepare myself for marriage in my time of singleness. They all said the same thing: Marriage has been a Godly institution from the very beginning, marriage is for Christians and we need to rescue its perversion from the world, Christian dating should look like courting since that's how the Old Testament Jews did it, and everything we do before we get married is in preparation for marriage so I better be real careful so I don't screw up me or someone else.
Somewhere in these books missed 1 Corinthians 7. Paul says if you were not married when you became a Christian stay that way, both males and females. And if you are married to a non-believer when you became a believer, stay married, don't seek a divorce. It would appear that Paul would disagree with all the women's gender roles I was taught in that a woman's highest calling is to be a wife and mother. And Paul doesn't seem to think any less of marriage if it's between a Christian and a non-Christian. In fact, he seems to encourage pro-creation and the passionate sex that comes in marriage to a non-believer. This strikes me as even more interesting when I think about two becoming one flesh and how Christians should treat non-Christians. What I learned from Paul is that marriage seems to be a human thing, but not necessarily a Christian thing. Now being human, Christians can get married, and Paul says this is not a sin, but should we?
And this is where I surrendered my dreams of marriage to Jesus. If I truly wished to deny myself and clothe myself if Christ, then I had to surrender every idea of what I think life is all about and submit to the leading of the Spirit. I didn't want to do this. My life felt empty and scary without the pursuit of a wife. But only in this space of mind did I actually learn anything about marriage.
What I learned is that marriage is a gift. And singleness is a gift. And as a gift, marriage is not something so much to seek for, but to receive. Think of how silly it would be if you spent all year preparing, dreaming and waiting for a big gift on your birthday. You would have probably missed out on all the other moments during the year, and imagine the shock and anger if you didn't receive the gift. Gifts are not meant to plan for. They are by nature unexpected.
But the problem with Christians is not so much that they expect to get married, but the logic that precedes. They say I want to get married and I want kids and a family. Then they send out to accomplish what they want and justify it because it's a good thing. And marriage is a good thing. But that attitude behind this is a righteous one. This attitude says this is what I want, so Lord help me. What it should say is Lord, not my will, but yours be done.
Or they say God's calling for men and women is to be husbands and wives. And in this they have misunderstood the Scriptures and evangelism. They see almost all the characters in the Bible as married and forget that this is not unique to the Bible, but to all of humanity. And if anything the Bible teaches us to be critical of fallen humanity, to be reshaped by the priorities of Christ, not the self or the world.
Now, I don't think Christians shouldn't get married. However, I do think that Christians are called to reflect on what is marriage. To pray about scriptures that tell us to leave our families behind to follow Jesus. That there won't be marriage in the kingdom of heaven, and in some ways the kingdom of heaven already arrived with Jesus. To take Paul seriously when he says he wants to spare us from the many troubles of marriage in this life.
And finally I want to conclude with what I see as the heart of the issue, in which Paul describes in verse 35 of 1 Corinthians 7...
"I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Child-like Faith
Growing up I knew that I had to do what my parents told me. They were the boss. I didn't always do what they said, but I knew I should have. And if you were to ask me why, my response would simply have been because they were my parents. There wasn't a reason beyond that. As the people who brought me into this world and provided for me once here, they had the right to make demands on my time and energy. They also had coercion techniques to get me to actually do what they wanted. Their authority didn't come from their techniques, but most often their effectiveness did. So when they told me to clean the kitchen, I had to do it and either allowance money or time-out was my motivation. So for example, if a stranger told me that I had to clean their kitchen, I would have no reason to do what this person demanded. They have no authority or right to make demands of me. Yet if they threatened to kill me if I didn't or reward me with $1,000 if I did, then I might be persuaded but not from who they are, but instead the consequence of my choice.
Likewise, there seemed to be a point growing up where the authority of my parents seemed to wither away. I would only do chores to get something in return or to prevent being grounded. I was invested more in the results of my choices than in respecting my parents' authority. They became more like the stranger than my authoritative figure. I was becoming an individual, capable of making my own decisions. I didn't need anybody telling me what to do and especially not what I should do. Even though the situation remained the same in that my parents brought me into this world and provided everything for me, I developed a belief that I could take care of myself. And that I was destined to be in this world anyways, no matter who my particular parents were. They could have been anybody, so what made these two people special so that I had to do everything they told me. Other parents didn't make the same demands on their children so it was all relative.
While reflecting on my childhood, I also started thinking about my relationship with my heavenly Father, since I understand that God represents a father while I play the role of His child in the relationship. I understand that God created the world, therefore created me in it. He also takes care of me as He does all of His creation. So He has rights in our relationship. He can make demands of my time and energy like my parents do.
The question for me is how do I respond. Do I respond out of respect by doing all that He asks of me? Or do I wait and see what sort of reward or punishment is in store for me if I do or don't respond as He wishes? There seems to be times in my life, as with my parents, where I responded both ways. Usually when I want something special I find Bible verses that tell me God will give me everything I ask for if I follow His commandments. Other times I identify with the nation Israel where I am fearful of God's judgements if I stray from His path. God seems to allow me to choose my response, while clearly coercing me in one direction. Of course with this way God is just a means to my own ends and He seems to exist for me, not me for Him.
Then I think about what would it be like to respond to God as I did to my parents as a younger child. I wouldn't do His will because of anything about me. I would follow Him simply because God is God. As creator, sustainer and finisher, God has the right over me to demand anything He pleases. I could simply go along with what He asks of me trusting that the One who brought me into this world will take care of me once I'm here. And I read that indeed He promises to do that, for eternity.
I think this is that faith that God asks of us. He asks us to do what he wills simply because He wills it. Our faith rests in His ability to care for us and give us the desires of our hearts. When we look around at creation we see that in fact God is doing His job very well. Animals get fed and multiply. Forests grow richer and denser. The sun and our atmosphere keep us at a livable temperature. Everything seems to be in order until we get in the way of course. But God is doing what He promises. We even see that God's children are well loved and taken care of both in this world and for eternity.
I think if we can get past the mask of living for ourselves, we can truly see what it means to live for God and therefore be loved. If we can see God's grace(rewards) and justice(punishments) as a means to His love, then we will truly be able to live as His children. Maybe this is what He means when He asks us to have child-like faith.
Likewise, there seemed to be a point growing up where the authority of my parents seemed to wither away. I would only do chores to get something in return or to prevent being grounded. I was invested more in the results of my choices than in respecting my parents' authority. They became more like the stranger than my authoritative figure. I was becoming an individual, capable of making my own decisions. I didn't need anybody telling me what to do and especially not what I should do. Even though the situation remained the same in that my parents brought me into this world and provided everything for me, I developed a belief that I could take care of myself. And that I was destined to be in this world anyways, no matter who my particular parents were. They could have been anybody, so what made these two people special so that I had to do everything they told me. Other parents didn't make the same demands on their children so it was all relative.
While reflecting on my childhood, I also started thinking about my relationship with my heavenly Father, since I understand that God represents a father while I play the role of His child in the relationship. I understand that God created the world, therefore created me in it. He also takes care of me as He does all of His creation. So He has rights in our relationship. He can make demands of my time and energy like my parents do.
The question for me is how do I respond. Do I respond out of respect by doing all that He asks of me? Or do I wait and see what sort of reward or punishment is in store for me if I do or don't respond as He wishes? There seems to be times in my life, as with my parents, where I responded both ways. Usually when I want something special I find Bible verses that tell me God will give me everything I ask for if I follow His commandments. Other times I identify with the nation Israel where I am fearful of God's judgements if I stray from His path. God seems to allow me to choose my response, while clearly coercing me in one direction. Of course with this way God is just a means to my own ends and He seems to exist for me, not me for Him.
Then I think about what would it be like to respond to God as I did to my parents as a younger child. I wouldn't do His will because of anything about me. I would follow Him simply because God is God. As creator, sustainer and finisher, God has the right over me to demand anything He pleases. I could simply go along with what He asks of me trusting that the One who brought me into this world will take care of me once I'm here. And I read that indeed He promises to do that, for eternity.
I think this is that faith that God asks of us. He asks us to do what he wills simply because He wills it. Our faith rests in His ability to care for us and give us the desires of our hearts. When we look around at creation we see that in fact God is doing His job very well. Animals get fed and multiply. Forests grow richer and denser. The sun and our atmosphere keep us at a livable temperature. Everything seems to be in order until we get in the way of course. But God is doing what He promises. We even see that God's children are well loved and taken care of both in this world and for eternity.
I think if we can get past the mask of living for ourselves, we can truly see what it means to live for God and therefore be loved. If we can see God's grace(rewards) and justice(punishments) as a means to His love, then we will truly be able to live as His children. Maybe this is what He means when He asks us to have child-like faith.
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